In A Relationship Actions Speak Louder Than Words: We’ve all heard the phrase, actions speak louder than words.
Recently, I was helping my mom shop for outdoor furniture and I couldn’t help but overhear the loud conversation next to me.
This woman was talking very disrespectfully to her husband. She said her husband was lazy and good for nothing as he was speedily walking trying to keep up with her. She continued to curse at him and told him to hurry up, or she was going to leave him in the store.
Now, when I sit back and ask myself why she was behaving this way, it made me realize something women tend to do. They tend to use aggressive verbal communication thinking their significant other will listen or respect them more. But she is wrong, like so many others.
The most powerful thing to do for a man is to show them what you mean instead of telling them. When it comes to men, most of the time your actions will go a long way as opposed to your empty words that may go in one ear and come out the other.
Throughout this blog, I will identify a few rules and tips I want you to take into all your relationships moving forward. Mr. Tony A. Gaskins inspired me to write this piece from his book, A Woman’s Influence, as he articulates the critical flaws in the way we see love and relationships.
Studies have shown that males and females have a different way of encoding memories, emotions, solving problems, and making decisions.
“Women excel in several measures of verbal abilities, word memory, and social cognition. Men, on average, can more easily juggle items in working memory. They have superior visuospatial skills: They’re better at visualizing what happens.” – Bruce Goldman
This is why women send subliminal messages through their passive-aggressive responses in hopes that their man will pick up on their emotion and change accordingly.
For instance, the woman at the store was mad at her man for not helping out, so instead of telling him ‘can you help me’ she began calling him lazy and good for nothing in hopes that he would step up on his own without her having to tell him directly.
Men, on the other hand, will hide their emotions underneath rage. They try not to complicate their emotions by visualizing it and minimizing the feeling through their umbrella emotion…anger.
For instance, if a man is fearful of their partner texting a friend while they are together, he may be covering up his emotion with anger and the visual idea that she doesn’t enjoy his company as much as theirs.
1. Use A Calm Voice.
Never verbally abuse your partner to get your point across. It’s essential to express how you feel with a tone that will set a respectful boundary moving forward and show your significant other that you mean business.
When you yell, curse, or act tough toward a man, their dignity is attacked, and they will shut down rather than listen.
If you disrespect a man or make him feel worthless…game over. He might have his silent revenge to get back. Such as; sleep with another woman, drink behind your back, or use another toxic mechanism for his satisfying revenge. It happens all too often.
“Women think they are winning the battle by out talking a man, but he’s really just letting you talk and getting you back silently. Different men get revenge in different ways, and most of the time they take it to the grave. I don’t think a lot of women understand that, or else more women would be showing instead of telling and yelling .” – Gaskins 2020
2. Lead With Action, Not Words.
Although it hurts a lot more to walk out of their life to make a point, it is better for you than yelling and cursing them out.
Many women don’t understand that even though words are disrespectful, they don’t always hurt men the way they think it does. Instead of feeling guilty or sorry for their actions, they will get angry and divert the blame onto you.
“Women throw low blows with words hoping the man will feel the same pain she felt when he cheated, lied, or hurt her. But that’s not the case”. – Gaskins 2020
You can’t expect to yell and assume their listening and magically change…OR staying with them and continuing the cycle when they don’t. Lead with your actions by ignoring their texts and phone calls during heated arguments. Show them that if they can’t take responsibility for their actions, you will not waste your time and entertain it.
A man will be shocked by the robust approach of leaving and will respect you a lot more than if you were to stay and continue to put them down. They may not know it at the moment, but eventually, your actions will speak more to them than your words.
If a man makes a mistake multiple times in the relationship and the woman chooses to just yell, curses him out, or threatens him, he will never respect the words that come out of her mouth, or understand his mistakes. He will only feel angry that she is yelling at him.
“If you know who you are, don’t waste your energy stooping to immature levels of others, elevate them to yours”. – Gaskins 2020
3. Disregard Needing The Last Word.
Whether it’s an angry exchange of texts or face-to-face, it’s natural to want the last word. However, after the heat of an argument where you feel like you got the last word…the man might not let you know about his hidden agenda.
For the majority of men, it is tough hard to be the bigger person. He may be quiet and not yell back, but the last word has to belong to him even if he has to do it behind your back.
Now, I say the majority because I know that not all men are like this. I’m dating living proof that there are emotionally intelligent men out there who don’t have to act this way. It’s just not as common as we need it to be. So, set a good example by not requiring to have the last word in the argument for your man to realize that neither do they.
4. Watch What You Say.
Take a break and walk away from the argument before you accidentally say something you will regret later. It may seem like men don’t listen but trust me, if you are attacking their manhood, they most likely heard every word of it, and plot their revenge over time.
I’ve seen many relationship dynamics play out over the last few years. I have seen a lot of hurt women mask their pain with verbal violence just to prove their point. But their tactic for attention-seeking toward their man never pans out the way they want it too.
Some women say things like, “Yeah, I know I don’t have much of a filter, or When I’m mad, I just say whatever I want.” Proving that some women are aware of it and take pride in it because they think they are leveling up to their man or making him feel the pain of his mistakes. But little do they know that they are doing the opposite, and they are just creating their enemy.
5. Forgive and Forget.
If you are planning on staying with your significant other after the argument, then you must learn how to forgive and forget. Now, what does that look like?
For starters, you can not bring the past up, make them pay for the mistake in the future, or pretend to forgive them and continue to stir the pot.
If you want to be with them then learn to forgive them for what they have done and DON’T bring it up again.
“If you keep telling your partner what you’ve forgiven them for, you haven’t actually forgiven him. You’re holding onto a grudge, and your relationship is going to be stagnant because of it. Many men do this as well, it can go either way”. – Gaskins 2020
If you can’t forgive them, then I would advise you to take some space and reevaluate the relationship. I mean…why would you want to stay with someone you can’t forgive? Because you’ re always going to resent them and hurt yourself over and over again.
Also, for more in-depth knowledge about how to forgive properly, Tips on How to Forgive breaks down a few important things to note prior to focusing yourself to “forgive” or never forgiving at all.
6. Talk About Your Love Languages.
Aside from all the new verbal ways I want you to use when talking to your partner. Learn to show your partner what love looks like for you because we all show our love differently, and to have a healthy relationship, this is vitally important for the two of you.
For instance, if you enjoy quality time with your partner instead of expecting them to just know (while sending them subliminal messages about it)…Be straightforward and ask to see them more often! Let them know that you enjoy the time you two spend together more than gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, etc, and I promise you they will start to get the hint and catch on.
The Five Love Languages break down what each love language looks like and how it’s different for everyone. I, for one, love gift giving/ receiving. Whenever holidays, birthdays, or special events roll through, I always plan for what I want to get my boyfriend and I always get excited to see what he’ll get me.
It’s something about a thought-provoking gift that brings me happiness, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be a big or expensive gift. My boyfriend, on the other hand, isn’t much of a gift-giver. He enjoys physical touch. So he’ll feel appreciated and loved when I scratch his head, beard, or back.
But, when I graduated college, he knew how important my journey to helping people with their relationships was, so he took time researching books in my field and ordered a few he thought I’d like. Notice how he didn’t get me a random expensive gift to celebrate my graduation? But instead got me something that could help me with my future.
That’s because we both communicate our wants for love and compromise to meet them. I could complain that he doesn’t enjoy gifts as much as I do, or he could say that I don’t scratch his beard enough, but instead of arguing about our differences, we take the action of doing and lead each other by example.
If I want him to put thought into his gifts, I do it for him first. If he wants me to rub his back or play with his hair, he does it to me first. This way, we are both showing what love looks like to us and how we want it.
In conclusion, when you choose to respect yourself enough to walk away from a heated argument, avoid passive-aggressive remarks, and show your significant other how you feel through ACTIONS… then you will have demonstrated growth.
Changing old habits aren’t easy; trust me…I know. But if you want new results, you’re going to have to change yourself to get them. I mean, come on.. are you going to yell at your boss and expect a raise? I don’t think so. So, like everything you want in life, you’re going to have to work hard for it.
Respect those until you are given a reason to walk away and start a new chapter. No yelling, cursing or bringing yourself down. It’s almost 2021…so let’s make a change.
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